It’s all utter bullshit when you sit and think about it.

My futile life.

I want to rant, perhaps seemingly irrationally – though it all makes perfect sense to me. It’s that time again, when one feels the futility of whole life. Life becomes totally suffocating and pointless. You begin to wonder how you are going to have a normal life again. The whole being seems to have let you down, and you just pathetically bide your time. You try to sleep, but you feel as if your nose and throat are blocked and you can’t breathe, even a bit. You panic, feel as if you are suffocating. You throw open the window for some cooler night air. You wonder how you are still alive.

Somehow you drift into sleep, and you wakeup to find the same problems all over again. The agony seems eternal, you think about Buddha, who said, “Life is full of dukkha” and wonder how truthful these words are, and what the hell it means anyway. You feel like a prisoner from childhood stories, fully chained tight, tight even to breathe. You shuffle in your bed trying to think some positive thoughts, how things could be better tomorrow. What a nightmare.

Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and life in general. How much we work to get somewhere others would like us to be. How much we work to get somewhere we thought we’d have liked to be. And then what? What if you could simply break free and run? What would you do? I’ve got duties. You’ve got duties. Everyone’s got duties. But everyone should have the right not to feel obliged by her/his duties.

It’s stupid to live a life just to fulfill your duties and then realize you haven’t lived your life. Instead, you’ve lived an aseptic life. A life that everybody else could have lived. Not your life, but a life. Sure some might be happy with what they get by accomplishing where they’ve arrived, but how many have got this fortune? Not many. You have to create that! You have to say, “Fuck off!” to whomever tries to tell you what’s better for you. You have to discover what’s better for you… nobody else can.

Be a doctor. Be a lawyer. Be a designer. Be a whomever. But because you want to, not because someone told you it might be better that way. Don’t be someone just because it might be more convenient, or because you want to impress. It would kill your inner self… whom you are. I think everybody’s got a dream. And everybody’s dream is not easy to accomplish. But it’s better to try to achieve what you once dreamt about even if you may not get there, than settle down and do what’s more convenient for the near future.

I’m writing this not because I want to teach you something, but because I want to teach myself something. I’m writing this so that I won’t have any excuses not to try. So that one day I’ll read these words again and hopefully smile. So that I won’t stop dreaming. I hope I’ll never be just another slave. I want to run free. Unbound, unchained, and unclothed. I don’t want to feel smothered anymore.